JimNavy.com

A defense contractor finally succeeded in building a computer capable of solving the most complex naval warfare problems. The top Navy brass assembled around the new machine and were instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They described a complex hypothetical battle situation to the computer and then asked the pivotal question, “Should our forces attack or retreat?”

The computer hummed and beeped for about an hour, and finally printed out an answer, “Yes.”

The admirals stared at each other, mystified by the response.

Finally, one of them submitted a second request to the computer, “Yes what?”

The computer responded instantly, “Yes, Sir!”

Anyone know any great Navy jokes? I love ‘em. I work with a lot of vets from multiple branches and I’d love some fresh jokes to throw at them.

Here’s one I know, it’s kind of long.

So, these four 4 stars from each branch of service are having a discussion on which one of their branches have the most balls. It gets heated and there’s no real way to prove it so the Army general finally says, “Come with me guys, I’ll show you something.”

So, they head over to the nearest army base and the General finds the first soldier he runs accross. He says, “Soldier, I want you to take your rifle and shoot yourself dead!!”
The soldier sounds off, “YES SIR!” He pulls the rifle to his head and fires!
The general says, “THAT takes balls.”

The Air Force general says, “That’s nothing, lets go.” They head to the nearest AF base where the General finds the first pilot he can and says,”Captain, I want you to fly your jet into that mountain range and burn yourself alive!” The pilot sounds off, “YES SIR!” and does so without thinking. He dies a fiery death.
The general, “THAT takes balls.”

The Marine Corp General, not to be outdone, says, “Come with me boys, I’ve got you beat”
So, they head over to the nearest marine corp base and the General finds the first marine he runs accross. He says, “MARINE, I want you to lie down under that tank and let it CRUSH YOU feet first!”
The marine sounds off, “YES SIR!” He lays under the tank, it crushes him dead.
The General, “NOW THAT TAKES BALLS FAG****TS!”

They all looked at the Navy Admiral.,
Without pause he says, “You guys need to see this.”
They stepped aboard the USS Kitty Hawk and the Admiral looks up and finds a sailor working aloft over 100 ft in the air.
He yells up, “SAILOR! I want you to jump down and kill yourself!”

Without hesitation the sailor calls back, “SIR, with all due respect GO F**K YOURSELF!”
The Admiral says, Now THAT takes balls boys.”

A Petty Officer Second Class, a First Class, and a Chief are off the ship together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I can only grant three wishes, so I can give each of you just one.”

“Me first!” says the Petty Officer Second Class. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world.” Poof! He’s gone.

“Me next!” says the First Class. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and a beautiful woman.” Poof! He’s gone too.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the Chief. The Chief cracks a nasty smile and says, “I want those two idiots back on the ship and turning-to, right after lunch.”

A young Ensign approached a crusty old Master Chief and asked about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.

“Well,” replied the Master Chief, “the insignias for the Navy are steeped in history and tradition. As an Ensign, we give you a gold bar, representing that you are very valuable but also malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade also represents significant value, but is less malleable. Now, when you make Lieutenant, your value doubles, hence the two silver bars. As a Captain, you soar over the common sailors, hence the eagle. And when you make Admiral, you are obviously a star. Does that answer your question?”

“Yes, Master Chief,” replied the young Ensign. “But what about Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders?”

“That, Sir, goes waaaay back in history – back to the Garden of Eden. You see, we’ve always covered our pricks with leaves.”

A Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over here! What’s your name sailor?”

Seaman: “John”

Chief: “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority.”

Chief: “I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as CHIEF. Do I make myself clear?”

Seaman: “Aye, Aye Chief!”

Chief: “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?”

Seaman sighed: “Darling. My name is John darling, Chief.”

Chief: “Okay John, here’s what I want you to do …..”